Sick
I can't believe I'm sick... and nearing Chinese New Year too! Ergh. Why????My throat is scratchy and I feel like I'm downing gunk everytime I swallow. It sucks big time. Sigh. And I'm having cramps too. Like what's with my life? Does all this shit have to happen to me all at exactly the same time?? WTH? I'm a moody piss assed PMS-ing bitch at the moment, which is probably why it's a good thing I didn't turn up for work today. I might have just sulked all day, or screamed bloody murder at someone. It's good that I'm home alone where the damage can only be done inwards I guess. Nobody will get hurt.I'm getting more and more used to working for my mom and dad now... it's like I almost never even went to school anymore. School? What's that? It just seems like a whole different world to me, almost like the memories of that part of my life belong to someone else. Not Teri Tan of now... And what's with being 16? I don't feel 16.... the numbers have suddenly started to lose their meaning. Am I supposed to be doing something grand with my life at 16? Am I supposed to be involved in some passionate love affair? Am I supposed to be a brilliant genius? Am I supposed to be bright and exuberant, shedding my naive self? Age doesn't define me. At least, I don't think it should. But somehow, everyone seem to think that it does. Why? I don't understand it. It's weird... in a few months time, I'll be 17. What's 17? I don't feel 17? Yet the whole world suddenly knows that you are 17 and that you have to do something. You're no longer a child they tell you. You're all grown up, you have to make your own decisions, you're independant now.... Why? Why does me being 17 matter? I can't fully express myself... it seems like I've run out of ways to express my confusion, my disgust and my frustration. Which is why english sucks sometimes.. because no matter how you try, you won't be able to describe a feeling entirely. I wonder at myself at times... will I know if I'm going insane? Will I know if I am going to have a nervous breakdown? Will I know anything at all? But of course, at this point in time, I know all this is nothing more than my bloody PMS-ing hormones typing here. I don't really mean everything that I'm saying here. Which is weird huh. I mean I'm 17 already right? Shouldn't I be more serious about my life and my person?
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
7:22 PM
New BLOG
A new year, a new blog!
I'm quite liking this bloggie that I pieced together. Ain't it PREEETTY? It's whiteeeeee and blackeeee!! EEEEEEEEE!!!
lol. I don't know what to do with myself really. I went for the NIE teaching talk today. The speakers were SO uninspiring. Well, okay, maybe there was one who was so-so, but seriously, if they're trying to RECRUIT people to become teachers, shouldn't they send better people to interest us? The teacher of Art couldn't even speak proper English, which is not something I'm prejudiced against, but he was speaking so fast that all I could make out was a jumble of words. And he KNEW he was going fast. ERGH. And the Music head wasn't any better. He totally misunderstood the questions directed at him (the worst part is he's an Ang Moh).
I was sorely disappointed in the fact that they refused to discuss the issue of 'breaking bonds' and the penalties involved. Typical I suppose, but I mean what's with the secrecy? People ARE going to find out sooner or later, and if you really don't want people to break bonds, just raise the price or something. Trying to 'avoid' and 'hide' the issue doesn't stop people from breaking the bond. Ridiculous. But whatever.
In any case, this route is still an option for me. I mean the benefits are OKAY. During the first 4 years of study they have allowances and they pay you. And they assure you of a job for 5 yrs (bond of course). It's a pretty okay deal if you're really looking to teach.
Hmph. I'm seriously not sure whether I even want to teach. But my mom is so excited about it.
At this point in time, I'm just wondering whether I'm not interested in teaching, or whether I'm not interested in doing anything at all. I guess I need to do some soul searching... but ergh. For now though, I'll just keep my options open, and pray for the best.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
1:51 AM
Sometimes, people really do shock the crap out of you, you know? Had the strangest, strangest conversation with one of my colleagues today. And all I can say is "Huh?"How do you know if someone isn't telling you the truth? Is there a specific way to idenity the tiny tell-tale signs of deception? Or is there just no way to tell? I've heard the common ones by now... if they're rubbing their eyes, looking away from you, etc. , but what about the really GOOD liars that ALREADY know these secrets? (who doesn't?) How would someone tell then?Then again, there are times when I feel as though there isn't such a thing as a 'Good Liar'. That whether or not a lie succeeds as a lie, depends solely on the fact that someone believes it. Of course the delivery of the 'lie' and the amount of sincerity a person could put in it to sway the 'victim' does make you believe that there are good liars. But then again, without the person to convince, there would be no liars.Hmmm... a chicken and egg theory yet again examplified here? Sometimes though, I do fall for a 'good lie'. Not nec. because the person telling me the tale is particularly clever or convincing, but more because I WANT to believe what he is saying. So much so that sometimes, I even suppress the knowledge that the person is a terrible liar! So then I suppose in this case, the only liar here is myself. Because even though I know the person is telling me tall story, I refuse to use logic to reason it out and instead force-feed this cock and bull story into my brain and label it as truth. I don't think this situation is uncommon. In fact, I think this happens a LOT of the time. And the phrase for it is 'self denial'.Hmmm... makes you kinda think that the best person to lie to and the best liar is the one and the same person huh. Weird.I must admit that I wasn't expecting what came out of my colleague's mouth. And so I honestly just sat there and reacted in the worst way possible. But oh wells. Life's shit huh? Mmm... Soooo.... the weekend's here huh? Oh WOOPIEDOOO.... I'm not even going to get a break this weekend. ERGH. Somebody shoot me already.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
12:40 AM
God
Why is life so strange? Why does the weirdest things happen to you at the weirdest times? Heaven knows. But some times, I get the feeling that God is taking extra care in watching over me. It's like an invisible hand that nudges you now and then, telling you to turn right or turn left. To accerlate. To slow down.
It's strange how God works.
Due to my new job, I had to interview people for the position of admin officer. And I was praying constantly, almost every step of the way, that I'd eventually pick the right person. And I think I did. But it was so weird. In the end, I only had to interview 3 people, even though I had called at least 10 or 12 for interviews. It was weird. It's almost like those people just suddenly started calling to say that they didn't need the job any more. And of course a pessimist and a non-believer would say that I hadn't been quick enough in grabbing the interviews, but me, I choose to believe that God's will was working.
I see God in almost everything now. I pray I will not lose this insight. And I pray that I will forever remember that God's love is felt everywhere. Not just in LOG. I understand now, the importance of being introduced to LOG. But I see a greater path emmerging. And I'm just waiting for God to call me forward. The time will come soon, but till then, I will continue doing what must be done.
God loves me. For this I am sure.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
5:34 PM
