one post after another
I'm amazed! It must be a record for me to post for two days straight! wow.Exams at YJ have started and I'm really wishing them the best. Though, if they're reading this, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ONLINE!?! Hahaha... sleep early okie??! I can't imagine myself going through the horror of cramming for an exam again. Seriously. It's as though my past has been obliterated into little shimmering glitter dust that occassionally gets stuck up my eyes and nose and starts to make me tear. Yes. Tears are what I associate studying with. Not very good memories I'd say. Of course I loved working for Lit and never had to do much for English except read which is like my daily staple anyway, but generally studying Chinese and Math and everything else is just a memory, that to me, seems better rotting in the depths of hell than in my conscious state of mind. I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I think I'm getting slightly depressed and annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed at my depression. Does that make any sense? Depression just makes me tired and lonely. I don't like myself that way. Oh wells. Heard from my parents that he asked about me from them before we actually met up. He seems comfortable about doing things like that. Why I wonder? I mean generally, if you're a guy and you used to work for your ex's parents, and they didn't much approve of the relationship (not that they didn't accept my decision about it), would you feel comfortable about asking about your ex from them? I don't know. Would you?My mind needs to be sorted out. Maybe I'm slightly burned out from my assessments and need a time-out. Yeah. I think that's it. Right? I mean why else would I have started crying in class last week. We were talking about our art works and how it represented ourselves and I don't know. I just lost it. It's not that I'm particularly stressed about things, I just think the exhaustion got to me, and I couldn't help it. I think this just goes to show that without sleep, you can't control yourself. Emotions in particular.I can't say I'm not embarressed about it, but I think more than that I'm surprised. Surprised that I was feeling hurt from wounds I thought had closed a long time ago. Surprised that my tears were tears of pain that maybe I hadn't healed but repressed.Am I going mental you think? I always seem to ask this question whenever I start talking about "feelings" and my "emotions" and this confusion I always feel inside. And I am afraid at times that I have "crossed the line" without even knowing it. Even now, I delete text that I've written down for fear that I am sounding a little too insane. Insanity is in my genes... and I don't know if it'll ever manifest within me. But maybe insanity might do me some good. I might even find some clarity in this chaos I'm facing right now.Does that make sense? I keep asking that don't I?
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
12:24 AM
Ergh
So I finally met him the other day, and we had a good long chat about life, about stuff that's going on with the both of us. And we've both changed. Me more than him I think. I used to be more mature, more sombre. I'm not that way anymore. In fact I don't want to. It just leads to my depression, if that makes any sense.
We've changed so much, so much that I hardly recognise what I used to like about him. I don't know. Was it just the hormones at the time? Or did I really love a part of him? I can't seem to recall, but I'd like to think that it wasn't just the hormones, that there was something more to the relationship than just that. That I wasn't some shallow person who dated for one reason.
I'd like to be friends with him again, but I can't seem to find common ground anymore. I don't know. We used to have tons to talk about in the past, but now... there are awkward silences in between. Silences I feel I need to fill so we don't bring up the awkward subject of 'us'. We haven't talked about that. In fact, I don't know why, but I couldn't bring myself to ask him if he had girldfriends overseas. Why? It shouldn't hurt right? Why couldn't I ask him?
I don't know. It's confusing. But I do know what I feel right now at this point in time. I have no love left for him in this heart of mine. The love or "chemistry" I once had is gone. I took a good hard look at him and nothing happened. No feelings. But then, if that's the case, then why can't I ask him? Was it because I'm scared of finding out that I might still have feelings tucked away somewhere? No. I don't think so. I think, in all likelihood, I just don't want to talk about "us" anymore, and talking about his girlfriends would bring up the topic of "us" of which there is nothing to talk about.
erh... I don't know if I'm making sense, but. No, I KNOW I can't be making sense, but then does the world make sense? Do feelings make sense? Do emotions that lie in our hearts ever make sense? No. I don't think so. Because if it did, my world wouldn't feel so damn fucked up.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
12:25 AM
7 OCT
Okay, okay.... it's been a while. I must apologise again. The thing is... ARGH!!! I thought my life would be back to normal, but I'm still being plagued with sleepless nights!!!!! ARGGGHHHH.
My assignments are far from over. And along with my Lit work (I have 3 essays to finish by next week!!!!), GP Lessons (my dear mother's philosophy is "I inspire, you perspire") , NIE assignments (I still have 3 major works to complete by this coming thursday) and my recording job, I've taken on some script writing job from Von's friend Chris. URGH. My eyebags are so bloody big and saggy they're almost obscene. Gawd. I'll need wonder bras for them if I don't get some major ZZZzzzzs soon.
Curious question!!!!
Why is it our eye lashes never seem to grow any longer, when all the rest of the hair on our body *DO NOT THINK DIRTY* seems to grow at an alarming rate?? I saw someone who resembled Counsin IT's twin. I swear, hair should NEVER grow that long. This inspired the question I guess.My Mum's birthday was yesterday, it was really nice, we went for dinner at Marina Mandarin. At the chinese restaurant there. The food was pretty decent I guess, but to be honest, I much prefered the food at the Jiu Tou Niao (chinese hanyu pinyin which translated is nine headed bird) which my parents and I tried on thursday after my NIE class. We went to the Chinese Gardern to see the lanterns and the 8 wonders of the world which frankly quite impressed me. They were pretty, especially the scene where they had colourful lotus lanterns floating on the water. That was GORGEOUS. Seriously. for me that was the highlight.
After that we headed for dinner at Jiu Tou Niao, where surprise surprise, all the waitress were all from China and only spoke chinese. You can imagine my immense horror when I realised that out of the three of us (my parents and I), I was the only one ''proficient enough'' in the language to converse with the waitress. It has been a year and a half since I have been forced to speak in full sentences using Mandarin, so you can also imagine their immense horror when they heard me a "chinese" girl speaking what was supposedly chinese. I'm surprised we managed to order any food at all. Although we did have one awful mishap.
The waitress was trying to recommend us this particular dish, which for the life of me I could NOT interpret because honestly I only recognised the words like 'niu' and 'wo' and 'pi dan', and then the waitress also had to tell me that the translated version in the menu was WRONG. So I had no way of telling what it really was... so I tried to guess. I thought niu was some sort of beef, wo was the wo niu as in like snail, and then there was the pi dan which I figured was century egg.
Guess what it was. IT turned out to be frog and century egg. LOL!!! And you know, me and my parents were trying to figure out how I got it so wrong... and then it dawned on us. BULL-FROG. Yes. Bull as in Niu as in cow as in not beef. ARGH!!!!! Okay.... it wasn't THAT bad, but I'm not a big froggy fan, so well... you know the rest.
I liked the rest of the dishes though. The fried rice was SUPERB! And the speciality chicken wings were... out of this world. REALLY. The dried chillies with the herby flavour just explodes in your mouth after the first bite, and after that, you're seriously hooked. IT's that good. Yes, I kid you not. Go try it! It's like 2 bucks per wing? Yeah. It's a restaurant near the Chinese Garden. In fact it's the only restaurant within walking distance from the Chinese Garden.
Hmm... Man. Am super tired. Snores....
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
9:11 AM
